Mothers Day musing

Happy Mothers Day, Mum!

It’s been a while since we were able to talk, but I think about you all the time. A lot has changed since last year. Life has settled down a lot, and I have learned how to adjust to a life without you in it. I do go through periods where I feel a bit raw, thinking of all the things that we could have been doing together were you still here and well. I know I should be a bit more accepting but the fact is I still feel ripped off that you are gone.

There is someone else sitting in your place next to Dad now. She is nice enough, and she makes Dad happy, but nothing can change the fact that she is not you. I didn’t want to like her to be honest, out of allegiance and loyalty to you, but Dad is smiling again, she plays with my kids and they love her, and I FEEL GUILTY that I am starting to find good things about her being around, and then I am ANGRY at you, for leading a life that has led to me having to deal with the conflicting emotions that come from having ’someone else’ in our lives.

I think we have all learned a lot from your death, so I can convince myself that it wasn’t all in vain. I still can’t quite find it in myself to move on, and I wish there was a way I could move through life without this feeling that taints my day. It’s like I just got used to a life without you in it, now I have to adjust to the way life has changed *because* you are not in it. It’s like travelling along a road that takes a drastic and unexpected turn in a different direction, and you are left thinking “hey, how did I get so lost? I wanted to end up there, but I am here… that turn wasn’t on the map!”

I know that the one thing you would want for all of us is that we are happy, and I think I can now say that I am. I will always love you and miss you, no matter what happens, I want you to know that. Life has changed it’s true, but that does not mean that the meaning of the life we had when you were here must change. That was what it is, and this is something else. It is possible to be loving and loyal whilst moving on, and no matter what you will always be my mum.

Love and light to you, wherever you are,
Shereen